Reasons

The life of the chronically ill. I'm not sure anyone, who isn't sick or loves someone who is sick, can truly understand what that means. I'm talking about watching your body die a little more everyday. The fight that you have to endure every time you wake up. It isn't am easy concept to understand.

I sometimes find myself wondering what it is I am supposed to be learning from all of this. You are always told everything in life happens for a reason. What is the reason behind me being sick? I always aspired to want to be something amazing in life. To make a difference, to be "important". Is this the Lords way of showing me that being a mother and a wife is enough. That being able to wake up everyday and spend time with my family is the true meaning of life?

As young children we are always asked what we wanted to be when we grow up. Is that the problem in our society. Our whole entire lives are planned around our career. From our first day of kindergarten until the last day of high school, we are asked what our career goals are. Most of the time if you express your want to travel and see the world, to live free, you are looked at as if there is something wrong with you.

I have spend a great deal of time the last few years asking myself and God, why me? Did I do something extremely terrible and deserve to be ill? Is this my punishment for a crime against the Lord I have committed? You are told time and again that God gives his hardest battles to his strongest warriors. Is that what this is? Am I a warrior God has chosen to fight a battle, a battle for my life? It's hard to think of the possibilities of why I am the way I am. Why I have to wake up everyday feel like I did the day before.

My life today is nothing like I had planned. I wanted to have a wonderful career, being successful as a doctor. I wanted to heal and help children. I wanted to give my kids the things I never had in life. I wanted the "American Dream". The big house with the white picket fence. I wanted it all. Now, my whole perspective on life has changed. I want my husband, my kids, my family and friends. I could not care where we are, as long as we are together. I am just thankful everyday I wake up that I am able to live another day.

I look at other peoples lives. Sometimes I am envious. The things they get to do. The things they can afford. The new cars, or houses. How they can afford the nicer things in life. Other times I truly feel pity for them. They don't understand that they spend so much time working for those material things that they lose time with their families, the most important thing in life. I don't believe life is about waking up and going to work, rushing to sports practice or dance, to hastily eat supper in the car or a quick meal before its time for bed. I believe the true reason for living is to simply enjoy the moments you get with your family. I know that you have to work to survive, but working yourself senseless just for a new car that you really don't need... is that worth missing time you will never get back with your kids? I guess being ill has both been a blessing and a curse. It has opened my eyes to the important things, at least the important things to me.